Bettering My Life

( August 27, 2009 )

Food

1) Have one smoothie a day
2) Eat five servings of fruit a day
3) Eat four servings of veggies a day
4) Limit the junk food to one per week
5) Eat less bread and more fresh stuff


Workout

1) DDR for half an hour each day, NO EXCEPTIONS
2) Do at least three minutes of sit-ups per week
3) When feeling restless, don't just watch movies. Get up and dance.


Life

1) Stop watching so many freaking movies. Movies are not healthy for your body or your mind.
2) Stop thinking about doing things and just get up and do them
3) Finish washing EVERY dish by every Monday and Thursday
4) Change the cat litter and rat litter once a week


Stats

God, I don't want to know. It feels as if I've put on ten pounds in two months. Offically, I haven't gained any weight. The scale must be wrong as I look much, much larger than I did during Mom's ordination.

Starting Weight: 218 1/2 (don't believe it at all)
Goal Weight: 215

Area to strive for: BELLY SIZE. I need to look hot in my dress.

Mentally: I feel like shit. My head hurts constantly (could be caused by sinuses) and I feel like a cow. Mentally, this is the worst I've felt in a very long time.

I'm killing myself tomorrow.

I have nothing of importance to say about my life. At 21, I'm not supposed to really have done anything significant, but I still feel as if I'm just wasting my life. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing or how to go about doing it, but there has to be SOMETHING that I'm meant to do. How is it that I can like something so much (writing) yet I'm not any good at it and I lack the discipline to sit down and create something? How is it that everyone can have this huge something that they're just AMAZING at and I have nothing? I'm not good at anything! I'm a bitch who complains too much and thinks about causing bodily harm to people when I'm pissed. I have anger problems and depression that I can't shake. The biggest accomplishment of my life is being able to survive and thrive after being molested by my older brother. That may seem like a big accomplishment to some, but I'm tired of my talent of surviving bad situations.

I often think about what-if situations, like being raped and whatnot. Honestly, after what I've been through in my life, I'm not sure if a rape would really bother me. I'd probably just sigh and add it to the list. How is it that some people can have their lives so effing easy, then others have to struggle and fight in order to just be happy? That's really all I want. I want a talent that I can be truly proud of in a material way and I want to be happy. I mean, really. Is being happy such a freaking hard goal to accomplish? People do it all the time, so why is it so elusive to me? Why don't I deserve happiness when I crave it so desperately? I'm not asking for much in my life, but achieving happiness seems like such an unobtainable goal for me. I try so freaking hard to be positive, but everywhere I go, I'm surrounded by so much negativity from people and situations, it just brings me down again.

So, the million dollar question: How can Suzanne Hoyle be happy with her life?

Also, how am I supposed to try and live each day as if it's my last, when I'm hoping with everything that I am that it WILL be my last day?

Despite the fact that I have to work the 4:30 to 1 shift for the next four days in a row, I'm feeling extremely happy right now. I'm probably just exhausted since the demon cricket outside my window has disrupted my sleep for the past two nights, but whatever. I'll take whatever I can get.

For some reason, I just feel like things are going to work out okay. I'm super stressed about many things, including whether I should stay in Greenville since I already have a job and school is literally right down the block...or I could move to Boone and find a fresh new start where I won't be so freaking unhappy. I'm also stressed out because Jenny's wedding is just tweleve days away and I look like a pregnant cow in my dress, so I need to lose at least five pounds of belly fat in less than two weeks. I need to go on a fresh fruit diet with plenty of exercise. Sadly, I haven't started at all. In fact, I've been eating crescent rolls for dinner. Crap.

However, I just spent some hard earned cash on things to make me feel better about myself. I'm feeling horribly self-conscious as of late due to a horrible haircut I've been sporting for several months and the fact that people keep referring to me as a guy. I'm sorry, but big boobs that aren't bigger than my stomach does not equal manliness! So...I'm buying things that make me feel pretty. I'm wearing a facial mask, my toes are painted and I just feel prettier. I was even considering buying some lip gloss, but the makeup aisle still scares me.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed as I'm exhausted and I really want to clean up the apartment and do some workouts before falling into a heap while at work.